On my bathroom mirror I have a picture of me and Ray on our wedding day.  I happened to find it as I was going through old pictures in our closet.  Each day I look at that young couple I think of experiences they will soon face; exciting, surprising, painful, joyous events that will shape their thoughts, beliefs, and decisions.

 As parents, each one of us can pull out a wedding picture and look into our own faces and see expectation but could never be able to see into the future and presume to narrow down our fate.

Never in a million years would I have pictured the life that I have lived, whether it was marrying the man I married, having the children I have, or walking the path set before me.  However…a big however…is that I wouldn’t change anything.  Every moment of every day offers up opportunities for me to better my life.  Some days I don’t make (and I haven’t made) the right decisions but even then those choices still point me towards bringing me closer to what God has for me.

This is not to say that I am happy that our oldest son was born with a rare brain disorder; that he has autism; that he suffers from seizures; that he will never live an independent life.  I would love to pray the right prayer and Zachary would be miraculously healed.  Believe me, I have tried.  What is the greater miracle though, is that Zach has already fulfilled his calling, if you will.  He has fulfilled his destiny by being a beautiful spirit who lives to love and to be loved.

 It isn’t that he did it to me, but that I chose to let him change me.  It is not easy, and some days are harder than others, but I could not imagine not having him in my life.  I would not be the human being I am without the effect of Zach on me.  Each of us as parents of these precious spirits makes the choice everyday to allow them to change us.  Some are healthy choices, some not so healthy.  We have the capability to better ourselves because of them, not in spite of them.  The bible says that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, we can move mountains.  What that means is that we don’t need HUGE faith…MORE faith…we just need to use the small piece of faith we have…and just hack at that mountain a little at a time.

For the most part, our kiddos live for the day.  They live in the moment without expectation.  Many of our children have endured pain from day one, but still find great joy in their life (whether we see it or not!).  They are much more resilient than their parents.  What an amazing gift to have them in our lives, if we chose to see them as such.

I don’t know what tomorrow will be like, I don’t even know how today is going to end, but I do know that it is my choice to make of how I will live it.  I can assure you that I will, probably in the very near future, make an unhealthy decision, react in a negative manner, or just choose to be a negative person.  And then I will ask God to help me one more time,  give Zachary a great big hug and I will look at that young couple in the picture, and try again.

Thank you Ray, for being my husband.  Thank you for your tenacity, strength, stubborness, and for seeing the glass as full.  I love you for loving me, giving me Zachary and Tyler, and for being a thorn in my side!  Thank you for choosing to be a Godly husband, father and man.

Zachary, you are my angel.  I am blessed every day by your smile and laughter.  It is an honor to have you in my life.

Tyler, you are my greatest accomplishment.  You make me laugh every single day and you keep me on my toes.  I can't imagine a bigger life than my prayers hold for you.  I have too much emotion to write more about what you are to me.

God, You are Greater than I can fathom.  Thank You for knowing me even before I was in my mother's womb.  Thank You for the plans You have for me, and Thank You for giving Your Son for all of us.  Only You as a Father know the depths of a parent's heart for their child.  I rest in that mercy.